In a story that has local farmers scratching their heads and UFO Facebook groups furiously tagging each other, an Arkansas woman is making headlines—and essential oil blends—after fully committing to a recent Fox News segment about extraterrestrial activity in the sky and the water.
Wholistic Ang, a self-described holistic practitioner, essential oil alchemist, and part-time crystal whisperer, said she “felt a cosmic shiver down her spine” when Fox News casually mentioned a spike in UFO sightings in our skies and in our waters.
“That’s when I knew,” Ang explained, adjusting her oversized sunglasses inside her studio, which doubles as a dream lab and tea party room. “The sky has always been suspicious. But now the lakes? Whoa.” (lights sage) “That’s classic interdimensional hydrology.”
While most viewers might’ve taken the segment as speculative filler between an ad for reverse mortgages and a rant about oat milk, Ang immediately sprang into action. She’s since contacted at least one person about it on facebook messenger.
“She showed up at the lake yelling ‘we come in peace’ and offering a mason jar of lemon-cayenne water to the fog,” said Drew, a local bullshitter who came for a quiet place to smoke but stayed to watch.
“Honestly, it was the most excitement this town has seen since that goose attacked a toddler last summer.”
According to sources close to her (primarily her pet), Ang has started marketing a new line of anti-abduction tinctures infused with mugwort, vinegar, and “vibrations from a 432 Hz tuning fork blessed by a YouTube monk.”
When asked whether she might reconsider her stance in light of zero physical evidence and several eyewitnesses confirming it was just drone footage from a county fireworks show, she was unmoved.
“Y’all are blind. The truth is literally floating in your pond.” At press time, she was seen affixing copper coils to her car and muttering something about the Pleiadians not liking asphalt. Stay tuned for updates—or at least for the next full moon.
